Nothing increases my blood pressure more than a visit to soft play, my stress levels literally go through the roof every single time. I don’t know why I do it to myself but we’ve lots of midterm days to fill and the big kid begged and begged and begged. Here’s 7 thing I hate about soft play:

3 and Under
Why oh why can’t parents keep their big kids out of the toddler section. It’s for UNDER THREE’S people.

‘That includes you, Kayla’

The Food
Only food purchased at the soft play can be eaten at the soft play. One beaker. Two beakers. Three beakers. Four. Dare they ask me to put my ‘water’ away.

No, but seriously the food at soft play is atrocious. Frozen chips and nuggets. Microwaved pizza. Crisps, sweets, crap. How much harm would it be to actually get some proper food in? A soft play with good food would be a gold mine.

The Coffee
It’s yuck. It’s muck. It’s over priced. It’s absolutely disgusting. We’ve paid good money the least they could do is serve us a decent cuppa.

Swear that’s not my one-year-old in the big kid’s section.

The Screaming
‘Mammy. Mammy. Mam. Mam. Maaaaaaammee. Look! Look! Look!’.
‘Watch this’.
‘He’s hitting me’.
‘She won’t let me play.’

The noise.

It hurts my ears.

Game Machines
We pay an arm and a leg to get in to be met by coin operated machines. Only a ‘eurah’ she says and begs. I refuse point-blank to give in.

This time, she won’t break me.

I’ve got this.

Kid leaves with not one but TWO Disney Princess tattoos.

Other People’s Kids
You know when THAT kid awkwardly loiters around your table eyeing up your foods, phone or even your beaker and you’re sussing the room for their minder.

Go away.


‘Frankie please leave the lady alone and go play’.

Oh, and when someone else’s kid is poking or throwing balls at your kids. WHERE IS YOUR MAM OR DAD? Argggh!!

The Smell
Just like a hospital, soft play has it’s own smell. A mix of germs, dirty bums and horrible food. Have you ever checked your sock before leaving too? Bleh! Oh and I dunno if it’s just my toddler but they always manage to have a pooh. Like always. Do they actually just shit themselves in excitement? Did I mention snotty noses? More Bleh.

Home Time
So they’ve spent the past hour fighting, sulking and sweating, now that it’s home time and they start whingeing followed by screams, then tears.

World’s worst mammy EVER!

Can you tell I really hate soft play? And I went back again but with four kids this time…

19 Comments on 7 Things I Hate About Soft Play

  1. I can relate but in other ways. I don’t like going to soft play because my boy won’t go on the big things himself and if he does and he gets stuck he cries up there and one of us has to make our way up there somehow. It’s hard to watch.

  2. I can total relate to all you’ve wrote. I’m always up and down, up and down, never settled when I can’t see them, half the time they were stuck somewhere! X

  3. You forgot the heart-stop moment when the child (who SOMEHOW got into the big kid area) decides that headfirst is the best way down the slide. Feck. That.

    Soft play with decent coffee and lunch options = instant millionaires.

  4. I must admit I quite like soft play, as my daughter loves it so much, it kind of rubs off on me. But I am always glad to be back outside to let some of the pressure off my ears!

  5. I took my little man to soft play when he turned 1 and it was filthy. Perhaps it was the one we went to, but we haven’t been back. Also, the older kids really don’t care about the babies either, which scared me a little.

  6. I love soft play!!! For pretty much all the reasons you hate it but because ours isn’t like that at all. We have lovely staff, really scrumptious hot food and the hot chocolate is delicious. I’m just looking forward to my youngest being old enough to venture on her own so I can get a break.

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