I’m fourteen weeks pregnant, enjoying the second trimester. I’m at the ‘eat what you want, as much as you want, do whatever you want’ stage. And so far there have been no hormonal outbursts, midnight snacking or endless toilet trips. Second trimester is treating me kind.

Some of the questions I have been asked by family, friends and strangers, my midwife or consultant didn’t even ask me. Here is a list of questions I have been asked in the past few months and things you should not actually ask a pregnant woman.

Was it planned?

Since when is it okay to interrogate someone about conception? FYI if not being on contraception means ‘planned’ then yes my little babog was planned.

Was there nothing on the telly?

Well considering half of Ireland is expecting in August, NO there was nothing on my TV in November…

Are you sure you’re not having twins?

Why don’t you just tell me I look fat! I’m pretty sure there is only one little person in there. I am NOT having twins!

I think you’re having a boy/girl…

Let’s get one thing straight you cannot guess by a person’s figure, skin, eating habits, piss or poo what gender their baby is going to be. FACT!

Are you planning anymore?

Would you ever let me push this baby out first! But if I’m honest I’m pretty sure the other half has booked in for a vasectomy.

I thought you were finished?

If I was finished having babies would I pregnant right now? No.

Can I touch your belly?

How about can I touch yours? No… Okay, you can’t touch mine either.

You may think these are all reasonable things NOT to say to a pregnant woman but I have heard them all, in this pregnancy and in less than fourteen weeks. So just to be clear, tell me I look amazing, tell me I’m glowing and tell me I’m looking radiant. DON’T TOUCH MY BELLY and we’ll all be friends.