After many challenges, questions and occasional tantrums with the small, bedtime can be quiet frustrating in my household. Last week it was an utter success but unfortunately it was replaced by a week-long of sleepless nights from sundown to sunrise with thanks to my two nocturnal children.
I woke up one of the mornings to find Frankie naked from the waist down and Kayla in his cot changing his bum. With the happiest grin, thinking she was the cleverest, smartest, greatest kid in the world, I refrained from screaming, I got up went the toilet counted to ten returned and took over what she had started. Not a wipe left in the 60 pack and they are all face down in his sheets. Lovely, thanks Kayla you’re the best (sic). The two of them smiling and cooing, whilst I looked on as if I had escaped from an asylum after another sleepless night.
Last week I considered giving them up for adoption. They spent four of seven nights acting the complete bollox, here is a recorded timeline of one those nights…
7.45 Story time with the four-year-old.
8.05 She goes straight asleep, success!
8.15 Feed baby his last bottle.
8.30 Babies bedtime.
8.37 Baby cries, race up the stairs to put soother in mouth.
8.39 Breathless, sits on stairs for a few minutes.
8.42 Boils kettle, makes coffee.
8.50 Baby cries.
8.51 Trying to avoid eye contact with smiling baby.
8.52 Tuck in, soother, kiss goodnight.
9.01 Baby falls asleep.
9.03 Clicks kettle, mammy time.
10.30 Bedtime; creeps back into room, don’t breathe, get into bed.
10.41 Baby wakes up for soother.
10.50 Baby coughs.
23.04 Baby falls asleep and snores heavily; surprised neighbours cannot hear.
23.10-23.20 I fall asleep.
00.07 Four year old wakes up – to warm.
00.13 Now she’s too cold.
00.14-00.20 She falls asleep.
01.36 Baby wakes up – doesn’t know what he wants.
01.45 Falls asleep *snores (pokes baby to try stop snoring).
02.30 Baby wakes; I let baby cry it out.
02.50 I give in, bottle time.
03.56 Loud bang followed by four-year-old calling for mammy.
03.57 Tucks her in, rubs back (she fell out of bed HAHA), kisses goodnight.
03.59 She now needs to go the toilet (WTF, considers telling her she has a mattress protector).
04.00 Carries child to toilet, wipes bum, washes hands, tuck’s in.
04.06 Find four-year-old creepily loitering around bedroom door.
04.07 I allow her to co-sleep.
04.10 Baby wakes up.
04.15-04.25 Everyone asleep and snoring.
06.05 Beep Beep… BEEP, stupid van reverses up the road (I consider throwing rocks from the window).
06.40 Neighbour slams door leaving for work (considers throwing rocks again).
06.41 Everyone’s awake.
07.00 Daydreams about adoption, running away and working nights.
I’ve yet to meet a mom who hasn’t had their fair share of sleepless nights. I choose to be a mom; I choose to have two children, i do love them, it comes without saying. My god its hard work, if you’re not wiping butts, wiping up sick you’re nursing a boo-boo. So dear friends and family STOP judging me on my high level of caffeine intake, telling me I look tired, and do not judge my appearance. I am tired!!
1. You will no longer laugh at the parents of hurricane hell raising children on Channel 4.
2. Counting to three will be your most commonly used phrase.
3. You will spend most of your days with a howling resident on the bottom step of your stairs.
4. You question how people in bungalows discipline their children.
5. You prefer cuddling and kids movies to hitting pubs and clubs.
6. Your home will be covered in valuable pieces of artwork that didn’t cost you a thing.
7. You will sneak sweets like it’s a contraband substance, soon mastering ramming anything that tastes good into your mouth and be able to exchange conversation with your small normally.
8. It doesn’t matter how many books, magazines and articles you read about caring for your child, every child is different and they all progress at their own pace.
9. Everything you do is an adventure.
10. Showering with a locked door behind you is a luxury.
11. Children do not understand why a mammy would ever want to have any privacy.
12. You will inherit ‘shower schizophrenia’, a constant belief your baby is crying whilst you shower.
13. You often finish up showering with only one leg shaved and have you will have a frequent presence of unwashed conditioner in your hair.
14. You may have an audience whilst showering, shouting the most awkward of questions.
15. You will never wear white again.
16. Children have one level of volume, LOUD!!
17. You are easily manipulated by puppy-dog-eyes.
18. Your washing basket will never be empty.
19, If you mop the floor, it’s guaranteed they will spill something.
20. You will spend most of your days threatening to throw away their toys, if they don’t clean them up.
21. It is perfectly acceptable to sniff a childs butt in public.
22. You can do almost anything with one hand.
23. You will re-define “sleeping-in” to any time past 7:30am.
24. You will have impeccable packing skills.
25. That it’s very rewarding to have a purpose other than yourself.
26. You will realize how amazing it is to watch children grow. Observing the confident-creative little people they become.
27. You will be wiping butts for eternity.
28. There will be a never ending trail of mush, crumbs and spills.
29. An early night is going to bed the same time as your children.
30. You will use baby wipes to clean almost everything from random spills to your whole bathroom.
31. You will have perfected the straight that’s-not-funny face when it’s actually quite hilarious.
32. You will never judge a stranger on their child’s behaviour. If anything you will sympathize.
33. Bedtime will become one of your favourite times of the day.
34. You need caffeine to get through your day.
35. Children get inhuman bursts of energy at bedtime
36. Silence is not golden. Never trust a quiet toddler.
37. Your food always looks tastier.
38. You wouldn’t change anything.