We’ve soldiered through many a sickness in this house. We’ve had everything from measles to hand, foot, and mouth. I always saw the light at the end of the tunnel.

Then Saturday happened.

I will never forget Saturday for as long as I live.

The kids were like a bag of cats last week. Demons, the lot of them. It was the change in routine, I told myself. It didn’t help that I couldn’t keep them full. So not only were they driving me insane, they ate me out of house and home.

Be grand next week.


Saturday night the three brats were in bed, exhausted after a family Christening. The Big Kid and I were munching away at about 10 pm watching Xfactor on playback. We had lotion in our hair. THE lotion. It was all lovely and cozy and calm – and then BANG. My views on parenting changed forever.

The Toddler let off an almighty yelp. I fell up the stairs trying to get to her as quickly as I possibly could. She was hopping around the bed. No cuddles, no boppy, no num nums, no teddy was soothing her.

She pointed to her bum.

I don’t know how but I just knew. I just knew to get a torch, turn off the light and look at her bum.


She had worms. Or should I say I saw worms?

I know.


After a slap in the mouth of the above lotion, a twisted ankle, a panicked ‘GET THE F**K HOME NOW’ call and a neighbour who saved the night with a bottle of Vermox. I googled. I’ve googled before but didn’t get past the second paragraph.

Do you know what happens when you get worms? They camp out IN YOUR INTESTINE and while you sleep the females CRAWLS OUT OF YOUR ARSE AND LAYS EGGS. You scratch your bum and those eggs get under your nails and put your hand to your mouth and the whole process starts over again or you plant them everywhere for other people to eat.

Have you puked yet? ‘Cause I have, easily ten times.

She had all the symptoms, how didn’t I know? But now that I think of it SO DID THE OTHERS.

I have spent the past few days with my nose up kids anus’. I’ve sprayed their butts with the shower hose like it was a gun. I’ve puked. I’ve wanted to die. There were moments I thought I should just burn the house down. I’ve bleached the gaf within an inch of its life. I’ve boiled everything.

They all got them.

So did I.

16 Comments on Quarantine

    • Nits had my heart broken last year. I cried at one point. Gas thing is she had none the whole summer and the second week back, BANG. All better now thankfully, thank you!

  1. Oh god I’m after roaring & laughing I woke up my hubby he’s not impressed but oh dear god I’m actually crying you are a tonic
    Sorry for your troubles

    • Awh Laura maybe in a few weeks or maybe years I’ll laugh. Right now I’m still too grossed out. Glad you had a giggle at my expense though haha

  2. Love your honesty…. literally roaring with laughter although having experienced worms once before with my 3 I know at the time it’s far from funny but in all honesty it’s the way you tell it hopefully everyone is better soon

    • You’ve seen what I’ve seen. So you know how I’m feeling right now. I can’t even look at them straight without cringing. All better now, thankfully! Thank you!

  3. Ah god ya poor fuck I feel sorry for ya I would be crying and puking if it happened here
    Do you only de-worm them if they have worms or should u do it anyway ?

  4. Oh yes, lice and worms have become so common place in our house now, I’m checking and treating constantly, I check for lice once a week and I routinely treat for worms every 6 months. I’ve become a bit blase although I do think worms are way more gross. Especially when they wriggle up into a ladies’ um you know, URGH sorry!!!! But the problem is they are REALLY contagious, about 50 % of the UK have them and don’t know because the eggs can live for 3 weeks on surfaces apparently so you can get them off other people’s hand towels. Good luck fellow mum bug soldier in arms!

    • Awh, Liberty, stop it! I’m still squirming with the thoughts of them. The idea of eggs surviving three weeks. Runs off to Dettol the house for the millionth time.

  5. I’m a Dad to an 8 month old lunatic and I just read your post laughing and trying not to vomit at the same time Kellie. Fantastic read but I am now terrified.. I hope all is well in your house now!!

  6. Kellie im roaring … brill read but obvs not for you… thankfully mine have never got them but i do give them a dose of vermox once every 6 months just incase… such a stigma round things like worms and nits too x

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