Mammy guilt is well and truly alive, and it has really hit me in the past week. My first-born had me all to herself, and now she’s six and I’m pregnant for the third summer in a row. Last year I pushed myself, although a lot easier with just the one babog. We were up and out on mini adventures, exploring, now I’m overwhelmed with the constant needs and wants that come with parenting and small children.
I try my best to laugh our way through the day, to find the funnies in all that we do, or in what the toddler does, I suppose it’s my way of coping when I feel like I need a good old scream. These past few months have been hard physically, mentally and emotionally and my beautiful blue-eyed girl has been feeling the brunt of it.
And I am sorry.
I am sorry I told you to get back into your own bed the other night when the baby was coughing and snotting and up half the night. I cried for a good hour after I dropped you to school when you told me it was because you had a nightmare.
I am sorry I told you that you could have a bath on your own only to realise there was no hot water and then made you share with your brother.
I am sorry I almost made you wear a school jumper with holes in the sleeve (that you put there mind you) because I couldn’t find your cardigan in two weeks worth of clean washing piled on the floor of your bedroom.
I am sorry I told you Chloe could disappear just like Teddy did if you didn’t start behaving. And I am so so sorry I ever let Teddy come to Disneyland with us. I think about him every day and I know you do too – I miss him too.
I am sorry I made you pick the mince from your spaghetti the other day. I know how much you hate mince, I simply forgot when I was serving it up. I had no spare sauce and I didn’t have the energy to make you something else.
I am sorry about that time I shouted at you for getting the wrong vest. I’m sorry I asked you to get it to begin with.
I am sorry I never read you a story at bedtime the other night. I know how much you love that little bit of me and you quiet time. That’s why I bored you to death with three books the following night.
I am sorry I told you we could paint or play with PlayDoh on the morning of your midterm only to be abruptly interrupted by your little sister. She was sick, she needed me.
I am sorry that only today I screamed at you in the park car park but darling you know you can’t run around car parks even if there are no cars around. I just panicked when I couldn’t see you.
I am sorry your mammy and daddy aren’t together like most of your friends. I am sorry you have two homes. I am sorry that I am not there when your little brother does funny things, I am sorry I don’t know your brother as well as you do.
I am so sorry for being so sorry, none of the above should have ever happened. You had me, just me for a whole three years. This mammy stuff is hard, there has not been a day that I have not felt I’ve failed you in some way. Mammy guilt at it’s finest.
I love you.
Lads, it’s awards season and I’m shortlisted as Best Parenting Blog in the Maternity & Infant Awards 2016… I’ll just leave the vote for me link here.