It was grand this morning. No school run because the Big Kid was in her dads. Toddler had a lie in. Baby miraculously slept pretty well. Joe left a batch of minty chalk on the draining board. I had coffee, the real stuff, none of that decaf crap.
Then the binmen start reversing down the road. F**KERS. They didn’t take my black bin last week. There goes the toddler kicking and screaming as he hears the beeps. I wasn’t prepared for what happened next. Just as they arrive outside our house the boy hops up and down in excitement and screams ‘HI HI BOLLOX HI’. Nobody to blame but myself.
The morning passed, the baby cried and whined and cried a little more. I’m 99% sure she’s not teething, she’s not showing any obvious signs just moany crying. As soon as I pick her up she’s a new kid, smiling, gooeing and laughing. Laughing at me. The carrier has gone out the window now that I’ve a mahooosive bump. In fairness I’ve only 3 months or so to go. Baby just wants to sit on my hip.
Collect the Big Kid from school. The boy cried the whole way. He wanted his ‘hiya’. I haven’t a clue what his ‘hiya’ is. I offered my phone, the house keys and a silvermint. He only wanted his ‘hiya’. You can do this I thought. I had images of stopping in the middle of the road and falling into the arms of the lollipop lady for a hug.
And then we got home, attempt to feed the kids. Big Kid ate. Toddler threw his on the floor. Baby cried, super-over-tired-cried.
Got baby to sleep in her buggy then some dude collecting for a homeless charity struts his stuff up the driveway, I ushered a ‘no thanks’ from the window and he was on his way. Felt really guilty but I just couldn’t cope with the thoughts of the baby waking up if I opened the door. So I made a sign. A don’t f**king knock on my door sign.
Nobody knocked on the door.
My mother arrives. She thinks I’ve lost the plot. Then wishes she had stayed home today. She laughs at me. She laughs at the kids. She reminds me I’m pregnant with another. She advises me to get my tubes tied.
The Big Kid runs around singing ‘Ole Ole Ole‘ and makey up songs ‘Kellie has a jiggly belly and likes to watch telly eating loads of jelly‘. In one of those really loud screechy voices. The one that makes you take paracetamol.
The Toddler hands me a snot.
The Big Kid asks me to wipe her arse.
The Baby whines every time I look at her.
I send the big kid out to play. I kick the toddler out the back. My mother see’s it as a sneak away opportunity and legs it, not before telling me she won’t be over tomorrow.
It starts pissing and the boy won’t come in. ‘NOT MY FAULT IF YOU GET A PNEUMONIA‘. Big kids like a drowned rat. TMNT socks up to her knees over her leggings. Manky jacket. Lunch in her hair. Did I really send her out like that?
Stops raining. Kick them back out. Blare Non-Stop 90’s. Decide I better get dinner on. Waffles and burnt sausies with a few beans on the side. Daddy arrives home. Everybody eats dinner, if you can call it that.
Daddy asks how the day went. I tell him to book in for that vasectomy.
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