The boy or ‘The Terrorist’, as I like to call him is nineteen months old now, a fully fledged toddler. I’ve mentioned before on my blog that I save his life on a daily basis. He likes to climb, dive and leave destruction everywhere he goes. He’s a bundle of never-ending energy. The things he gets up to does not come in the parenting books. Raising toddler is serious work.
Rocks and sticks are the coolest things ever. No matter where you go you can be guaranteed he’ll befriend a palm-sized rock or a branch from a tree. And god help you if your try take it off him. They also like weapons, made from sticks, wands, and even spoons.
They are fast, like very fast. If they are doing something there not suppose to you, they will run from you like their lives depend on it. If you leave a door open they are gone, gone like the wind. God forbid you left the stair gate open, there’s no catching them then.
They are bottomless pits. They just eat and eat and eat…
They hate their car seat. They will straighten and tense their bodies so hard you feel like karate chopping them to get them to sit down. Your neighbours will consider reporting you from all the screams. Oh, and while you are fighting them into their car seat they will snatch your car keys from your mouth in the blink of an eye.
They don’t like clothes. They don’t like nappies, cloth or disposable. And if you do manage to keep the nappy on you can find them with their hands down it.
They are fabulous actors. They can perfect the mother of all puppy eyes and fake the best tantrums in the world. I was witness to one only a couple of weeks ago. He dived on the floor let out a few screams, stopped to look up at me with a smirk, the cheekiest little grin you have ever seen and when he realised I wasn’t having any of it and he continued to wail until I walked away.
They have no sense of direction. If you let them out of the buggy they will not follow you or walk or with you. They will always legit in the opposite direction.
They will wreck your house. Your home will never be clean again. They will draw on walls. They will deliberately spill things. They will dance in mush. For example, they love hurling washing from the rads down the stairs.
They want everything they cannot have. They want your phone, your food, the remote, and every single toy their sisters and brothers own.
They like the toilet bowl. They like it because it’s full of squishy water and it’s within arms reach. You can be guaranteed at least once in your toddler’s life that they will fill it with toys, toilet roll, phones, remotes or even tooth brushes. Oh, they also like toilet roll, actually, they love toilet roll. They love unwinding it and breaking it up into the tiniest little pieces you have ever seen.
They like noisy machinery. If by any chance the bin-men reverse down your road they will squeal in excitement and destroy everything in their path whilst racing to the window. They will then bang and scream until they have gone.
They love bath time or water in general. They don’t like the water in their bath. They prefer it on the ceiling, walls and floors. Oh, and they love nothing more than to pull the stopper out.
They are loud. They love the sound of their own voices. They love to shout and scream. They love to bang things and they love noisy toys. Never buy toys that don’t come with a volume button.
The like to imitate dogs and act the monkey. They like to woof and bark and crawl across the floor when they are fully capable of walking. They like to sit in dog baskets and kennels and lick their hands and stuff. They will also taste dog food at some stage of their toddler life.
They like their willies. Confessions of an Irish Mammy warned me about this BUT I never in a million years thought it would start so soon. The boy is notorious for having his hands down his nappy. They are obsessed with their ‘little man’.
This is why we don’t go many places or visit friends much anymore. This is also why I don’t need to go to the gym. And this is why I’m always bolloxed. It’s not the baby, it’s the boy! I tell you something, though, I wouldn’t change it for the world.
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