So you wants kids, lots of them, little cute ribboned munchkins running around your home all gleeful. Think you are ready? I’ve compiled a list of things you should try to prepare yourself for parenthood or toddlerhood, cause that’s when it all begins. It’s a breeze till they start walking and talking in my opinion. I think I’ve covered everything but as always if I’m missing something let me know in the comments below.
1. Buy 2 packs of WaterWipes or any other expensive wipes. Open each pack and one by one and pull each wipe out and fling them all around your home, the more rooms the better. While your cleaning them up give the bathroom and kitchen a quick wipe over, there’s no point in wasting those wipes.
2. While your in the bathroom unravel each roll of toilet paper to an inch of it’s life, break it up into the tiniest of pieces, so small that a microscope wouldn’t even see.
3. Go to the cupboard and get some chocolate spread, tomato purée or peanut butter (or all of that above) and smear it over the front of your top, the walls and sure pop some on the floors while your at it.
Go make yourself a coffee, you’ve a long day ahead of you.
4. Cook a cracking roast chicken dinner, with roasties and gravy – the works. Pour it all on the ground.
5. Gather all the dirty washing, and wash and dry it then leave it in a corner somewhere upstairs so know one can see. Fold and put away before the mildew sets in.
6. Run a lovely warm bath and spend ages perfecting lots and lots of bubbles. Now get a cup and pour some of the water on the bathroom floor, keep pouring and pouring and pouring.
7. Talking about pouring, pour a pack of raisins, a half chewed lollipop and a handful of bread crumbs into your handbag, give it a little swirl. Now dig in and find your keys.
8. Source a kid willing to say ‘mammy, mammy, mammy…’ multiplied by 92654 and record it. Jump into the car, play the recording and drive without losing the plot.
9. Get some crayons, markers and pens. Scribble on all walls up to about 60 centimetres high – toddler height.
10. Scrub your house top to bottom then drag random items and toys all across your house.
Remember that coffee you made, go find it, drink it. Maybe pop it in the microwave for a few seconds.
11. Get a box of Lego and pour them all out, take off your socks and walk on them without cursing.
12. Gather up all remote controls, mobile phones, keys and toothbrushes and pop them down the toilet. And don’t lose the rag.
13. My god you’ve had a long day haven’t you? Why not go for an early night but before you fall asleep set your alarm for every hour throughout the night. Sweet dreamZzzzzz.
I’ll let you in on a secret though, as hilarious and unrealistic some of them might sound it happens BUT you won’t change it for the world maybe a night out or weekend away but you will miss that craziness, snuggles and cuddles that are found in between it all.