Having a baby is the most beautiful natural process in the world but not many tell you the truth of what really happens during and post pregnancy. Whilst some lucky mums-to-be are blessed with a ‘glowing complexion’, bypass on the heartburn and get no strange weird cravings at 3am. There are some things your friends and family forgot to tell you. We normally only share all the pretty things about being pregnant  and having a baby so here is a list of things I would tell my best friend about having a baby. 

  1. Heard of Braxton Hicks contractions? Braxton hicks contractions are often infrequent, irregular, and involve only mild cramping. They say they prepare you for the real thing. I’ll let you be the judge of that.
  2. The breathing exercises your advised to practice at your antenatal classes? DO THEM!
  3. You will drool more. Pregnant women produce more saliva. Don’t be too surprised if you wake up with slurp spots on your pillow.
  4. Babies first kicks and movement are the most awesome feeling in the world. Although it can sometimes hurt as they get bigger. Their arms and legs will get wedged in your ribs and it will hurt like hell.
  5. If you happen to pass your mucus plug, it’s a sign that things are moving in the right direction, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re in labour. It can take anything up to three weeks from losing it.
  6. Accidents happen. Whilst in labour you may wee or poop on the bed. This is completely normal.
  7. The gas you are offered during labour is actual gas. I did not know this. If you like sniffing lighter fluid you might use it. I’m not 100% sure if it works but after three natural labours, I wasn’t taken any chances with the fourth.
  8. Your waters may trickle or gush. Trickling is just like if you wee yourself a little and a gush feels like you have lost half your body weight in one big swoosh. You may also squirt. True story.
  9. If you opt to have an epidural, tell your midwife as early as possible into your labour. Most likely your anesthesiologist is in another country and it will take them a year to get there.
  10. Most likely your baby will not be smooth-pink-skinned and cooing like you see in the movies. Unfortunately, your baby will be gooey, purple, will resemble Benjamin Button and will be all wrinkly. They are still gorgeous, in your eyes.
  11. The tea and toast. All hail the tea and toast. Possibly the most amazing meal you will have in all your life.
  12. Your first wee. The burn. That goddam for saking burn. Take a jug with you, and pour and piss and pour and piss. Christ, thank god I will never have to go through that again.
  13. You will not sleep a wink in the hospital post delivery. If nurses are not checking on you, they come back thirty minutes into your deep sleep to check on your newborn baby.  Oh and then just as you put your head back down on the pillow again it’s feeding time.
  14. Babies will have their first poop roughly about twelve hours out of the womb, some babies can take a couple of days. Technically it’s not a poop its Meconium. It’s a yucky goo of materials ingested during the pregnancy consisting of intestinal epithelial cells, lanugo, mucus, amniotic fluid, bile, and water. Unlike normal faeces, it’s sticky like tar, usually a very dark olive-greeny-black and is odourless. It’s the vilest substance I have seen in all my life and a buggar to clean up.
  15. FYI, in some hospitals, you will not be allowed to eat during labour. This I don’t understand, I would never refuse a pregnant woman food. Only small sips of water and ice-cubes if available.
  16. Hospital food. It’s almost as bad as the sticky tar your kid just shit out.
  17. You will most probably still look four-to-five months pregnant after having your baby. Your belly will be jiggly, stretchy and might hang over your bottoms. Your body will need time to recover. Don’t start exercising until six weeks post delivery.
  18. Afterbirth pains, if you think labour is sore wait till your uterus starts contracting back into its normal pre-pregnancy position, OUCH. It’s been said to worse on your second, third and so forth.
  19. Oh and your first poo. Please try not to panic. You are not having another baby (although it bloody well feels like it). You will think your bum is falling out. That is all.
  20. You will not sleep a wink the first night you bring a baby home. If you do not have a lamp in your bedroom, get a torch. You will most probably shine a light on your baby about twenty times to check they are breathing.
  21. After having a baby your advised to sleep while baby sleeps. You won’t actually do this. You will just lie in your bed staring at your beautiful creation.
  22. There’s a high chance your baby will choke in the first few days. Baby will most likely NOT do this in hospital surrounded by midwives and doctors, but when you’re at home alone and vulnerable. It’s okay to panic, this is natural as the baby is trying to adjust to life outside the womb.
  23. If you have a boy, he most probably will pee on you about fifty-million times until you get into a full nappy changing routine. I even got a taste of my little man’s urine, for something so small he had the bullseye of an aim.
  24. You know the dark vertical line that appeared on your abdomen during your second-third trimester? That’s called a linea and yes, that’s there for a few months after. Mine never got a chance to disappear cause I was pregnant again leaving the labour ward.
  25. Your hormones are worse after birth. Prepare for an onset of emotional outbursts of constant crying for nothing. I still cry at every baby advert I see on television, I’m 10 weeks postpartum.
  26. Feel like you’re ready to get active again and start working out? You will most likely pee yourself. Actually, you will probably pee yourself if you sneeze, laugh or even cough. Do your pelvic floor exercises.
  27. Your boobs will be more emotional than you. Once your milk comes they will just leak all over the place. I would like to say this stops but I’m almost twelve weeks in and my boobs cry at the sight or sound of a baby.
  28. Whether or not the baby is kitted out in pink or blue, random still get the sex of your baby wrong. Yes, they are blind. The buggy is blue, the blanket is blue and baby is just short of a moustache. Oh and strangers will try to touch your baby. It’s okay to hit them.
  29. You will need 2735372937 sanitary towels. Post-partum bleeding can last anything from two-six-weeks. You need those ones that resemble nappies and Bridget Joners as well.
  30. And finally, everyone will have an opinion on how to raise your child. Ignore them. Just hold your goddam baby.

Want to see what really happens in the labour ward? Check out my birth story series for more…

5 Comments on 30 Thing’s I Would Tell My Best Friend About Having A Baby

  1. So, so, so true. Despite all, nothing really prepares you for motherhood, its a case of “experience opens the eyes”. I get the part of what sex when my little cute face is all covered in blue! Nice. #weeklylinky.

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